WHEN IN MIDDLE EARTH
by Lady Idryl
Summary: Things I shall not do when in Middle-Earth...
1. Chapter 1

WHEN IN MIDDLE-EARTH….

_1. I shall not take the Fellowship to a Ren Fair._

_2. Gollum does not have MPD…_

_3. Nor is he prejudiced against fat people._

_4. The One Ring is not "bling"._

_5. I shall not lead the Gondorian Army to storm the Black Gates while singing " We Will Rock You"…_

_6. I will not call Galadriel " Islanzardi"._

_7. I will make no 300 references while in battle._

_8. The Barlog is not the Destroyer from Tlos. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental._

_9. Gandalf is not Merlin._

_10. Sauron did not get served._


	2. Chapter 2

**WHEN IN MIDDLE EARTH….**

**11.. I will not take the fellowship to te World cup.**

**12. I will not introduce the Fellowship to Facebook…**

**13. …..nor Myspace….**

**14. …..nor Twitter….**

**15. I shall refrain from singing "They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard" FOREVER.**

**16. Nor shall I sing "This is the song that never ends"**

**17. Nor shall I try to get Sauraman to sing the" F.U.N. Song"**

**18. When Gandalf falls in Moria, I will not tell everyone that "He'll be back, they always come back…ALWAYS!"**

**19. I shall not have "FOR NARNIA!" as my battle cry….**

**20.. ABOVE ALL ELSE… I will not point out that the fellowship could have just flown on eagles to Mordor.**

**.**


	3. Chapter 3

21. Aragorn is not Batman.

22. I will not teach the Fellowship about "yo Mama" jokes.

23. I shall not sing " We're off to see the Wizard" when going to Isengard.

24. Sauron does not need therepy.

25. ..Nor does Gollum.

26. I will not squeal whenever I see Legolas..

27. … Or Aragorn.

28. I shall not try to explain to the Rohirrim about the horses ( or the lack thereof) in "Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail"

29. In accordance with above statement, I _**SHALL NOT **_ follow King Theoden around with a pair of coconuts while clapping them together.

30. The above statement, however, does not apply to Aragorn, so go ahead, clip-clop away!


	4. Chapter 4

31. The Nazgul are not the Knights Who Say "NI", no matter what they say otherwise….

32. As implied by above statement, they are not allowed to tell Eowyn to bring them a shrubbery..

33. I AM NOT a horse-whisperer.

34. If I get bitten by a warg, that does NOT make me a were-warg.

35. Making a list of all the times Legolas states the obvious is NOT okay.

36. I will not watch Fotr, Ttt, and Rotk, and then go around telling everyone that I can predict the future.

37. I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to become a ninja.

38. Borimier did not" Bite the dust".

39. I will not teach the Fellowship to skateboard…

40. I shall not roast marshmallows in Mordor.


	5. Chapter 5

41. I shall not bring helium to the Council of Elrond.

42. I shall not show the Fellowship Youtube.

43. I shall not claim to be the Reincarnation of Sauron.

44. I shall not teach Sauron to build fighter jets.

45. I shall not stand in the main entrance to Rivendell and say " Welcome to Singapore.." every time someone passes me.

46. I shall not replace Rohan's horses with tanks.

47. ….nor shall I replace the Elves' bows with machine guns.

48. I shall make no _Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail_ jokes.

49. I shall not violate the above statement by telling Sauron that his mother was a hamster.

50. I shall make no _Pirates of the Caribbean _references, especially around Will-erm - I mean Legolas.


	6. Chapter 6

When in Middle Earth….

51. I am not allowed to ask Aragorn where he's keeping Sapphira.

52. The Uruik ( is that how you spell it?) are not Urgals.

53. I will not try to tell someone's fortune with a palintar( again, is that how you spell it?).

54. I will not make any spelling mistakes in this list…..

55. I am not allowed to scream " OH, THE IRONY!" at the previous statement….

56. … but the readers are not affected by the afore-mentioned statement.

57. I will not ask Gimli if he has been to Fathen Dur lately.

58. I have broken law /statement 54 3 TIMES…

59. I will not state the obvious in this list….

60. I shall not point out that I have already broken the above law/statement 4 TIMES.


	7. Chapter 7

When in Middle Earth….

61. I will not , under any circumstances, try to confuse Sauron by giving him an onion ring and telling him it's the One Ring.

62. The Nazgul are NOT to be confused with the Razac….. AT ALL…..

63. ….EVER.

64. I am not allowed to bring a light saber into battle with me.

65. I am not allowed to randomly slap people.

66. I will break rule/law/statement 64 17 TIMES.

67. I will break rule/statement/law 65 18 TIMES.

68. I will run away when the law/rule/statement 67 is applied to Aragorn, Sauron, or Elrond.

69. I will never, AT ALL ( if I value my life) apply rule/statement/law 67 to Gandalf.

70. I will make no confusing references to other laws/statements/rules at any time during the duration of this list.


	8. Chapter 8

When in Middle-Earth…..

71. I am not allowed to set up a toll gate at the Bridge of Khazad-dum.

72. Three is not Boromir's lucky number.

73. I am not allowed to use super-glue on the Shards of Narsil….

74. …..nor the Horn of Gondor ( after the battle at Amon-Hen).

75. I will not attempt to keep a Warg as a pet.

76. I will not, under any circumstances, give Merry and Pippin coffee.

77. I will not pepper-spray the Eye of Sauron.

78. I will not graffiti the Black Gate…

79. …. and sign it ,"Aragorn".

80. I will not start a snowball fight on Mount Cahadras.


	9. Chapter 9

When in Middle-Earth…..

81. I am not allowed to convince Saurman to do an impersonation of the French Taunter.

82. I AM NOT the Ranger's Apprentice.

83. I will not spray-paint the giant Eagle chieftain (forgot his name again) with hot pink spray-paint.

84. I will not replace the Horn of Gondor with a vuvuzela.

85. The Teletubies DO NOT live in the Shire…..

86. …..they live in Mordor.

87. It is considered highly inappropriate to call any high-ranking male inhabitant of Middle-Earth "dude".

88. I'm not allowed to build a tree-house in an Ent.

89. The Fellowship's quest is not "to find the Holy Grail".

90. I will not trip over my own weapon.


	10. Chapter 10

_When in Middle Earth….._

91. In Lothlorien, I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to sit in a tree and chuck acorns (or pinecones, unripe apples, etc.) at anyone who passes by.

92. I will not start singing the "Mashed Taters" song when Sam starts in on his potato rant. (_Po-Ta-Tos. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew._)

93. I will not sing the "Manamanah song" when the Mouth of Sauron starts talking.

94. On that note, I'm not allowed to attempt discussing oral hygiene with the Mouth of Sauron either.

95. I am not allowed to smuggle squirt-guns into Middle-Earth with me.

96. Even if I ignore rule/statement/law 95, I will not instigate a squirt-gun duel between Elrohir and Elladan.

97. In the middle of battle, I will not start to play a game of tag with the opposing forces.

98. I will not instigate a karaoke night amongst the Fellowship.

99. I'm not allowed to paint the white Elven ships in the Grey Havens black. (or any other color for that matter….)

100. I will not shout "_Atra wingla em feces toon!"** at the top of my lungs at any Sindarin speaking Middle-Earthian, NO MATTER HOW ANGRY I AM…_

_** Sindarin for "I fling my poo at you!"_

_Author's note:_

_Goodbye. Hope you enjoyed this a lot._

_S.T._


	11. Author's Note READ IT, YOU FOOLS!

**When in Middle-Earth…..**

**Author's Note of Sincere and Truthful Gratitude:**

S.T. :Thank you for all the awesome reviews! You guys made me really happy-

Radio: "_You make me happy when skies are grey…"_

S.T.: O.o *whispers in creeped out voice* It was cloudy today when I opened my email…

S.T.: Well, erm, moving on….

I did a bonus chapter for you people.

Enjoy!

101. I will not shave Legolas' head.

!02. Nor shall I draw in permanent marker on the resulting bald spot.

103. I shall not pluck Lord Elrond's eyebrows.

104. I shouldn't poke Lord Denethor.

105. I really shouldn't poke Théoden King.

106. If I value my life, I definitely should not poke Gandalf.

107. I'm not allowed to challenge an elf to a drinking contest.

108. I will not walk up to one of the Giant Eagles and ask ,"Polly wanna cracker?".

I will be tossed off of the nearest convenient cliff.

109. No Monty Python references during Boromir's funeral. ( _I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better!)_

_110. I will not replace the various members of the Fellowship's pipe-weed with moss._

_111. (Hah! Gottcha, Didn't I?)_

_I shall resist every possible urge to shout, "Hiho Silver!", when riding Shadowfax._


	12. In Which ST Talks Back

When In Middle Earth….

**( **_**..Don't Mess with the Rohan!)**_

Random Semi-Q&A

_In which Spyro Trueflight answers some pressing questions, and invents some questions of her own…._

_-_**S.T.; Yeah, you read that right. I'm a girl. **

**Radio:…**

**S.T.: *smirking* Ahhhh, blessed silence. Before you review to tell me about my above 'error', I **_**do**_** know that the technical term is Rohirrim…..but it wouldn't be funny that way!**

Q; Will you be doing any Harry Potter references?

S.T. : Well, I haven't really read the books yet, so, I really can't claim to know the "happy coincidences" between the two. But, dear HP-loving friends, fret not! For I soon shall avail myself of the Fantasy shelf of my local public library! Erm, uhhh… I mean I'm going to read the books….as soon as I get to the library again….

Q; Will you be updating this regularly? Are you continuing this story?

S.T.; I depends. I'll most likely update when I get ideas. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I'll be able to post the chapters, because my mom just had a stroke….and I have toddler brothers (meaning I have to watch them…ALL THE TIME). This is why I have been unable to get to the library recently.

Q: Where do you get the ideas? Did you make them up or did you get them from somewhere else?

S.T.; Yes, I made these up myself. Some of the inspiration comes from my friends and the crazy things they do. ( Sam, remember the whole tripping-over-your-own-weapon-and-falling-on-your-butt thing? That was HILARIOUS!)Some of them are inspired by my favorite books, movies and there things. Others are inspired by Y-Tube videos. Some of these come from watching the LotR movies a little bit too much. Others, I honestly have no idea _where_ they came from. (for example: _Spray painting the Eagle chieftain hot pink. _I have absolutely **no idea **where that one came from…)

Q: Do you have a favorite character? If so, are they book canon or movie canon?

Yes, I am a fan of Boromir. Although I have my grudges against book-Boromir, ( _Acting like a jerk….etc.) I don't hate him. He's cool. He's, erm, well….Boromir. However, my personal favorite is movie-Boromir. I don't know why…. _

_Q: Are you doing any other LotR stories?_

_S.T.; Yes. I have a collection of AU one-shots, Leave-Takings. It is about, as the summary states, "farewells that never happened". It's not focused on any one specific character. I will usually leave you guessing who it is right up to the end of the one-shot. I am also planning a multi-chapter AU crossover story between Ranger's Apprentice and Lord of the Rings. I'm not quite sure what the title will be just yet. It will center around book-Boromir and Halt. _

_I will let you know when that's up._

_Hopefully I'll be back with more hilarious chapters soon…._

_Namerie,_

_Spyro Trueflight._


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